Topical Jokes: 7/8/2020

  • Kanye West says he is no longer supporting Donald Trump. Which Kanye’s campaign manager agrees is probably a good thing since he announced that he is running for president. 

  • A quarter of all American newspapers have closed in the past 15 years. Mostly because it’s easier to look at a cellphone in the restroom. 

  • Brooks Brothers has filed for bankruptcy. Which is what most customers declare after having shopped there. 

  • 36,000 weather stations have confirmed extreme heat and rain are happening more often. Far right conservatives speculate that this has something to do with gay rights. 

  • Trump administration has begun a formal withdrawal from the World Health Organization. Instead the Trump administration will invest in the power of healing through essential oils.

Topical Jokes: 7/7/2020

  • Harvard will hold all classes online next year but still charge full tuition. Meanwhile, community colleges said just pay us half and we’ll say you went here. 

  • The US is considering banning TikTok. This would strictly be a policy decision and NOT because the President has been struggling to learn one of the dances. 

  • The NFL’s Player Association President JC Tretter Says the NFL is not prioritizing safety amid COVID-19 concerns. He was immediately brought into the concussion protocol tent and never seen again.

  • Matthew McConaughey told fans to “wear a damn mask” so that “we can start partying again” his fans agreed, saying “alright alright alright” 

  • Harvard will hold all classes online next year but still charge full tuition. The school is being sued by University of Phoenix for copyright infringement.

Topical Jokes: 7/6/2020

  • Last weekend after Kanye West released a new album, he announced that he was running for president. Don’t get excited, the American people would never elect a president who is so erratic, so narcissistic, and so polarizing. 

  • Last weekend, hot dog eating champion Joey Chestnut set a new world record of eating 75 hot dogs. And those who attended his barbecue are furious.

  • Uber has agreed to buy Postmates for $2.65 billion. But it’s closer to $3.5 billion when you factor in the taxes, the service fee & delivery fee.

  • Today, for his 85th birthday. the Dalai Lama released an album. Which means that later this week he’ll announce that he is running for president. 

  • Donald Trump said that, if he is reelected, he will establish a “National Garden of American Heroes” that will pay tribute to some of the most prominent figures in US history, like George Washington, Harriet Tubman, and Jack Bauer.

  • Everyone is okay but 19 people were injured after a tree fell during a child’s birthday party. As the paramedics arrived, the kids asked, “can we open presents now?”

  • Today is the Dalai Lama’s 85th birthday. And today we learned that monks do NOT appreciate his drive-by birthday parade.

Topical Jokes: 7/3/2020

  • MLB Cancels 2020 All-Star Game, the first time since world war II. Also cancelled is the popular mascot wet t-shirt contest.

  • On Thursday night, Nike removed all Redskins gear from its online store. “Does this mean we can stop making their gear?” asked a child in one of Nike’s sweatshops. 

  • President Trump is traveling to Mt Rushmore Friday evening for a fourth of July celebration. Trump has already begun asking how much it would cost to get rid of the monument and replace it him him, Melania, Ivanka, and Don Jr.

  • FedEx have asked the Washington Redskins to change their name. The ultimatum: change the name or expect to lose a lot of packages.

  • After demands from it’s major sponsors, The Washington Redskins will consider changing its name. The organization’s first suggested name change, “The Washington All Lives Matter” has already been rejected.

Topical Jokes: 7/2/2020

  • Nascar driver Corey LaJoie’s #32 car is getting a  “Trump 2020” paint job for NASCAR’s big race Sunday.Not understanding how any of it works, Trump requested that Ivanka start the race by waving her scarf. 

  • According to a new poll,only one-third of Americans surveyed called the United States “the greatest country in the world,” The other two-thirds pleaded for someone to send help. 

  • Walmart is transforming 160 of its parking lots into drive-in theaters. It’s hard to get a good viewing spot since nobody is sure if a shopping cart means that a spot is reserved or wasn’t returned. 

  • The next COVID-19 shortage could be fireworks. The World Health Organization is begging everyone to stop wiping their ass with fireworks. 

  • Walmart is transforming 160 of its parking lots into drive-in theaters. Apparently it wasn’t a hard transition, all they did was wheel out the wall of TVs in electronics.

Topical Jokes: 7/1/2020

  • A study confirmed that an asteroid impact made the Earth uninhabitable for dinosaurs. Scientists took questions from skeptics and reminded them that 5G wasn’t even around back then.

  • Realtor Group is dropping the term ‘Master Bedroom’ and are now referring to it as ‘primary’ bedrooms, bathrooms. Even more progressive, they are only referring to basements as sex dungeons.  

  • According to a new study, bandannas being used as a face mask may be less effective. “Oh they’re pretty effective,” said the Coalition of cowboys and bank robbers.

  • Minor league baseball officially cancelled the 2020 season. Dads everywhere are scrambling to figure out where to take you when it’s their weekend. 

  • Queer Eye gave the Flyers mascot Gritty a makeover. And somehow the mascot is even more terrifying clean shaven.

Topical Jokes: 6/30/2020

  • NASA has developed a wearable dubbed PULSE that vibrates when users are about to touch their face. In other words, NASA invented a sex toy.

  • Uber is reportedly in talks to buy Postmates. Uber messaged post-mates saying their negotiator was on their way and would leave their offer at the door.

  • DC protesters set up a “guillotine” outside of Jeff Bezos’s house. When Bezos stepped outside he said, “Wow that was quick. I ordered one of those just a few minutes ago.”

  • NASA invented a wearable that reminds you not to touch your face. “We did that forever ago” said veterinarians. 

  • Dana White has released a video detailing UFC’s ‘Fight Island’. Fight Island, or what married couples call the Bahamas.

Topical Jokes: 6/29/2020

  • A San Diego Starbucks barista who refused service to an unruly woman not wearing a mask has received $78,000 in donations. The barista said he plans to use the money on his two shift drinks.

  • Former NFL MVP Cam Newton has reached agreement on a one-year contract with the New England Patriots. The move is getting hopeless Pats fans excited in what’s being called, “inflate-gate”

  • The Rolling Stones threaten to sue Trump over use of their songs at campaign rallies. A representative of the band told the campaign, “you can’t always get what you want.”

  • According to a new study, the worst-run city in the US is Washington, DC. Which makes sense considering their basketball team can never beat the Harlem Globetrotters. 

  • Costco announced their bakery department will no longer sell $20 sheet cakes. They made the announcement by offering free samples.

Topical Jokes: 6/26/2020

  • Microsoft is shutting down all of its physical retail stores. The CEO would’ve done it sooner but he was waiting for a message to say it is now safe to shut down.

  • Amazon announced the new name for Seattle’s NHL arena: Climate Pledge Arena. Narrowly edging out the other name, “Same Day Delivery Stadium”

  • American Airlines will no longer block seats for social distancing. Even worse, they’ve replaced the drink cart with a punch bowl.

  • Today, NASA is announcing the “Lunar Loo Challenge,” a competition in partnership with HeroX to come up with the best space toilet. Nasa is looking for a design that could handle one small crap for man…

  • Amazon announced the new name for Seattle’s NHL arena: Climate Pledge Arena. Outside the Stadium will be a monument to remember all the packages that were either lost or stolen.

  • Microsoft is shutting down all of its physical retail stores. But before they do, a tech has asked if they tried restarting?

  • Amazon just announced the new name for Seattle’s NHL arena. However, the most impressive stadium feature is on your way out, and being able to ask, “Alexa, where did I park?”

Topical Jokes: 6/25/2020

  • MLB has agreed to an abbreviated 60 game season with a lot of new rules. Instead of spraying champagne after winning a big game, players are encouraged to only spray lysol. 

  • MLB has agreed to an abbreviated 60 game season with a lot of new rules. For instance, if a player gets hit by a pitch, they have to self-isolate for 14 days. 

  • New Jersey announced that theme parks can reopen on July 2nd. Six Flags plans to reopen however flags will be at half-mast because that creepy six flags guy didn’t make it. 

  • Chuck E. Cheese has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. In a related story, the sharp increase in missing children cases is believed to be connected to repossessed ball pits.

  • The Federal Reserve sent $1.4 billion in stimulus checks to over a million deceased. When they tried to get the money back, spirits everywhere said, “over my dead body!”

  • US marshals have been ordered to protect the nation’s monuments as part of a new effort by the Trump administration. With limited resources, park officials turned to uneducated Italians for help by saying that all the national monuments were of Christopher Columbus. 

  • Chuck E. Cheese has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. The company began laying off staff because they had barely enough tokens to cover payroll.