- Kanye West says he is no longer supporting Donald Trump. Which Kanye’s campaign manager agrees is probably a good thing since he announced that he is running for president.
- A quarter of all American newspapers have closed in the past 15 years. Mostly because it’s easier to look at a cellphone in the restroom.
- Brooks Brothers has filed for bankruptcy. Which is what most customers declare after having shopped there.
- 36,000 weather stations have confirmed extreme heat and rain are happening more often. Far right conservatives speculate that this has something to do with gay rights.
- Trump administration has begun a formal withdrawal from the World Health Organization. Instead the Trump administration will invest in the power of healing through essential oils.
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- Harvard will hold all classes online next year but still charge full tuition. Meanwhile, community colleges said just pay us half and we’ll say you went here.
- The US is considering banning TikTok. This would strictly be a policy decision and NOT because the President has been struggling to learn one of the dances.
- The NFL’s Player Association President JC Tretter Says the NFL is not prioritizing safety amid COVID-19 concerns. He was immediately brought into the concussion protocol tent and never seen again.
- Matthew McConaughey told fans to “wear a damn mask” so that “we can start partying again” his fans agreed, saying “alright alright alright”
- Harvard will hold all classes online next year but still charge full tuition. The school is being sued by University of Phoenix for copyright infringement.
- Last weekend after Kanye West released a new album, he announced that he was running for president. Don’t get excited, the American people would never elect a president who is so erratic, so narcissistic, and so polarizing.
- Last weekend, hot dog eating champion Joey Chestnut set a new world record of eating 75 hot dogs. And those who attended his barbecue are furious.
- Uber has agreed to buy Postmates for $2.65 billion. But it’s closer to $3.5 billion when you factor in the taxes, the service fee & delivery fee.
- Today, for his 85th birthday. the Dalai Lama released an album. Which means that later this week he’ll announce that he is running for president.
- Donald Trump said that, if he is reelected, he will establish a “National Garden of American Heroes” that will pay tribute to some of the most prominent figures in US history, like George Washington, Harriet Tubman, and Jack Bauer.
- Everyone is okay but 19 people were injured after a tree fell during a child’s birthday party. As the paramedics arrived, the kids asked, “can we open presents now?”
- Today is the Dalai Lama’s 85th birthday. And today we learned that monks do NOT appreciate his drive-by birthday parade.
- MLB Cancels 2020 All-Star Game, the first time since world war II. Also cancelled is the popular mascot wet t-shirt contest.
- On Thursday night, Nike removed all Redskins gear from its online store. “Does this mean we can stop making their gear?” asked a child in one of Nike’s sweatshops.
- President Trump is traveling to Mt Rushmore Friday evening for a fourth of July celebration. Trump has already begun asking how much it would cost to get rid of the monument and replace it him him, Melania, Ivanka, and Don Jr.
- FedEx have asked the Washington Redskins to change their name. The ultimatum: change the name or expect to lose a lot of packages.
- After demands from it’s major sponsors, The Washington Redskins will consider changing its name. The organization’s first suggested name change, “The Washington All Lives Matter” has already been rejected.
- Nascar driver Corey LaJoie’s #32 car is getting a “Trump 2020” paint job for NASCAR’s big race Sunday.Not understanding how any of it works, Trump requested that Ivanka start the race by waving her scarf.
- According to a new poll,only one-third of Americans surveyed called the United States “the greatest country in the world,” The other two-thirds pleaded for someone to send help.
- Walmart is transforming 160 of its parking lots into drive-in theaters. It’s hard to get a good viewing spot since nobody is sure if a shopping cart means that a spot is reserved or wasn’t returned.
- The next COVID-19 shortage could be fireworks. The World Health Organization is begging everyone to stop wiping their ass with fireworks.
- Walmart is transforming 160 of its parking lots into drive-in theaters. Apparently it wasn’t a hard transition, all they did was wheel out the wall of TVs in electronics.
- A study confirmed that an asteroid impact made the Earth uninhabitable for dinosaurs. Scientists took questions from skeptics and reminded them that 5G wasn’t even around back then.
- Realtor Group is dropping the term ‘Master Bedroom’ and are now referring to it as ‘primary’ bedrooms, bathrooms. Even more progressive, they are only referring to basements as sex dungeons.
- According to a new study, bandannas being used as a face mask may be less effective. “Oh they’re pretty effective,” said the Coalition of cowboys and bank robbers.
- Minor league baseball officially cancelled the 2020 season. Dads everywhere are scrambling to figure out where to take you when it’s their weekend.
- Queer Eye gave the Flyers mascot Gritty a makeover. And somehow the mascot is even more terrifying clean shaven.
- NASA has developed a wearable dubbed PULSE that vibrates when users are about to touch their face. In other words, NASA invented a sex toy.
- Uber is reportedly in talks to buy Postmates. Uber messaged post-mates saying their negotiator was on their way and would leave their offer at the door.
- DC protesters set up a “guillotine” outside of Jeff Bezos’s house. When Bezos stepped outside he said, “Wow that was quick. I ordered one of those just a few minutes ago.”
- NASA invented a wearable that reminds you not to touch your face. “We did that forever ago” said veterinarians.
- Dana White has released a video detailing UFC’s ‘Fight Island’. Fight Island, or what married couples call the Bahamas.
- A San Diego Starbucks barista who refused service to an unruly woman not wearing a mask has received $78,000 in donations. The barista said he plans to use the money on his two shift drinks.
- Former NFL MVP Cam Newton has reached agreement on a one-year contract with the New England Patriots. The move is getting hopeless Pats fans excited in what’s being called, “inflate-gate”
- The Rolling Stones threaten to sue Trump over use of their songs at campaign rallies. A representative of the band told the campaign, “you can’t always get what you want.”
- According to a new study, the worst-run city in the US is Washington, DC. Which makes sense considering their basketball team can never beat the Harlem Globetrotters.
- Costco announced their bakery department will no longer sell $20 sheet cakes. They made the announcement by offering free samples.
- Microsoft is shutting down all of its physical retail stores. The CEO would’ve done it sooner but he was waiting for a message to say it is now safe to shut down.
- Amazon announced the new name for Seattle’s NHL arena: Climate Pledge Arena. Narrowly edging out the other name, “Same Day Delivery Stadium”
- American Airlines will no longer block seats for social distancing. Even worse, they’ve replaced the drink cart with a punch bowl.
- Today, NASA is announcing the “Lunar Loo Challenge,” a competition in partnership with HeroX to come up with the best space toilet. Nasa is looking for a design that could handle one small crap for man…
- Amazon announced the new name for Seattle’s NHL arena: Climate Pledge Arena. Outside the Stadium will be a monument to remember all the packages that were either lost or stolen.
- Microsoft is shutting down all of its physical retail stores. But before they do, a tech has asked if they tried restarting?
- Amazon just announced the new name for Seattle’s NHL arena. However, the most impressive stadium feature is on your way out, and being able to ask, “Alexa, where did I park?”
- MLB has agreed to an abbreviated 60 game season with a lot of new rules. Instead of spraying champagne after winning a big game, players are encouraged to only spray lysol.
- MLB has agreed to an abbreviated 60 game season with a lot of new rules. For instance, if a player gets hit by a pitch, they have to self-isolate for 14 days.
- New Jersey announced that theme parks can reopen on July 2nd. Six Flags plans to reopen however flags will be at half-mast because that creepy six flags guy didn’t make it.
- Chuck E. Cheese has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. In a related story, the sharp increase in missing children cases is believed to be connected to repossessed ball pits.
- The Federal Reserve sent $1.4 billion in stimulus checks to over a million deceased. When they tried to get the money back, spirits everywhere said, “over my dead body!”
- US marshals have been ordered to protect the nation’s monuments as part of a new effort by the Trump administration. With limited resources, park officials turned to uneducated Italians for help by saying that all the national monuments were of Christopher Columbus.
- Chuck E. Cheese has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. The company began laying off staff because they had barely enough tokens to cover payroll.
JAKE MATTERA 